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D.O.B: 30/08/1987 Status: Single Orientation: Straight Eye Colour: Blue Hair Colour: Blonde Fav Colours: Black, Red, Purple, Blue Siblings: 2 Sisters (Kayleigh - 23 And Sam - 18) Smoke: No Drink: Occasionally
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February 2009
April 2009 May 2009 June 2009 July 2009 September 2009 March 2010 April 2010 June 2010 July 2010 December 2010
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Wednesday, December 08, 2010
a world far far away.......
Im in pain because of the ice, i slipped and felll and bashed my left side so it really hurts. I really hate snow and i hate it even more when it turns to ice. Every morning i look outside hoping that it would just disappear but still no luck, dosnt seem to be going anywhere for a while.
I have a Christmas job that will end on Christmas Eve. Its at Clinton Cards, its not a bad job but wuuldn't want to work there forever. The people who work there are nice, well to talk to at work probably wouldnt keep in touch when i finish. I'm only doing 16 hours so ts not really going to payoff what ive spent on myt or i ay just do it we'll see. I do prefer working on the til to stocking or walking around the floor the till is fun. Even those 16 hurs dont really fill up my week, i still come home alone. I sit in my room watching tv shows, making graphics, wrting and i sometimes just sit staring into space thinking what if..what if i lived in a different world if i was somebody new, somebody who was less shy, not self concious, someone who could making friends easy and not sit aone in a room all of the time. It would be nice to not be so alone. Then i come back to reality and realize i cant change, i dont have the strength to change, so alone always i must be. And this makes me cry sometimes just sit and cry. Being slone and upset also make me eat so im gaining more weight which also effects my confidence. I dont know how to stop being like i am. Its almost christmas the one day i wont be alone and i may actually have fun with my family. But the day goes by pretty fast and then i'l be stuck in my room again alone and without ajob. I'm almost losing what little hope i had for a nice life. but maybe there is still a spark left and maybe i will change. Only the future will tell.
Friday, July 02, 2010
Hope?
I think i may have a little glimmer of hope appearing. My former boss is coming back up here for 1 or 2 weeks so i'll get some work from him, if he stays longer it would be better, so at least i can get a bit money which i desperatly need. But i dont think i can really rely on him for a more permenant position, i cant go wondering if im going to be jobless the next week or month, that is just too much stress and disappointment foe me. So i will be still looking for more jobs to try and find a more permenat position.
I'm just trying to forget about all the bad stuff and look forward to some good things comin up. My sis is treating me to edinburgh as an early bday present, we are getting the train up early so we can go to the zoo, dungeons, and some other places and then we are going to see David Strassman a ventriloquist that i love on the night so it should be an enjoyable day. And i also have my holiday in September, me my 2 sis's and sis bf are off to disneyland paris, which should be amazing, i just got my passport. So like i said try and hold onto good things to get me through some of these tough times, and hopefully things will look up. I'm off to look at a house with my mother today, since she is desperate to get out of here and away from her husband. The only ones she can try and get are ones without bonds or admin fees because she dosnt have that much money upfront. I just wish someone would hurry up and give her one so she can stop moaning. Or i hope gentoo give me a flat so i can get away from the moaning. I do enough of it myself so cant handle it from anyone else. -sigh-
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
When will it look up?
I keep waiting for all this shit just to diappear, you know and for life to just a little bit look up, something, anything. After losing my job i just feel like i cant breath, like im suffocating. I cant afford to go anywhere, i have no friends to help me take my mind off it. 2 months and still no luck with the job searching, i sit in my room all the time, with mother and her husband constantly at each others throats, and mother keeps moaning to me, 'oh im so depressed, oh i feel like killing myself, im just meant to suffer, im just meant to be alone,' blah blah blah, i just nod and leave because if i speak i feel like im going to yell and scream at her, like 'you not the only one with fucking problems' i just dont know how much more of her i can take. Im waiting on gentoo for a flat, but even if i get one, i cant afford anything I Will get housing benifits for the rent, but food, gas, electricity? but you know i can suffer those anything to get out of here.
i just dont know what to do, everything is so hard, and i know moaning about it wont help, but i just feel like crying all of the time. When i got my job in October, things were looking up for the first time in a while, i was getting happier, my confidence was building up, and i was good at my job, i enjoyed it, but fate would have me feel misrable instead, the boss had to close down his barrow here, and so i was out of a job, and back to square one, everything the happy place, the confidence, everything just lost, and i feel like im falling and no one is going to catch me, and im just going no where, just an endless darkness i was also losing weight which for me was a great thing that was also helping my happiness and confidence, but again when i lost my job, i started to eat, all of the crap that i stopped and now the weight is coming back on and .... i just need some light at the end of this tunnel, something to help me get back on the right track, someone to give me a chance at a job. I can really only take so much.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Dragon : Story 1 : Prologue & Chapter 1
Prologue
Chiron would not allow the council to do this, he would fight them, and he would not allow them to harm his son. Chiron travelled as fast as he could from the temple through the busy town to his home. Everyone he passed seemed happy and just going on as normal but he knew panic and fear would rise when news of the council’s plan spreads. Chiron sighed as he reached his home, Chiron was born into nobility and he rose high becoming a council member so he had great fortune and power but none of that was worth anything to the council, their plans would be carried out regardless, the kings themselves have ordered it. Chiron got closer to the house and noticed the door had been broken open, he took out his sword and slowly approached the door and he stepped inside. There was broken furniture everywhere, one window was shattered and Chiron knew exactly what had happened, the council knew he would resist them so they took his son while he was with them in the council meeting; Chiron punched his hand into a wall. “They will pay for this; I will not allow this massacre to happen!” Chiron’s wife had died a few years earlier and now they have took his son, he was now alone and vowed that he would stop this from happening to other people and save his son before they harm him if he can. Labels: chapter one, dragon, prologue, story
Friday, April 16, 2010
Same Old, Same Old
My life is just the same old story it always has been, i may have have a few changes..got a job, finally paid off my overdraft. But i still seem to be stuck in this same hole. I live with my mother and her husband which is a nightmare..so ive signed on with Gentoo Housing to try and get a flat, because they are both driving me insane, arguing..or the long arkward silence, slamming of doors, him huffing and puffing and everything, he moans about anything, the only comfort i have in the house are the kittens.
Somehow i thought that i i got a job it would be helpful in getting a life, how wrong i was, i have the job and still no life which is my own fault. I am shy and bad at socializing, i cant go out because i have no friends to go out with and find it extremely pathetic i i go out myself, so like i said stuck in the same hole. I keep saying im going to diet and then again buying junk, all i eat at work is junk because of being too lazy to make a sandwitch on a morning before i start. At least i have something to look forward to, im off to disneyland with my sisters in september, maybe that will help me forget about my hole for a week and allow me just to have fun. I also have tried to start a story, hopefully if i can it will be a series of stories. The series is called Dragon, the individually story titles will come later. This also allows me tio remove myself from this world and go into another.
Monday, March 08, 2010
unhappily ever after
OK, so its been a long while since i last posted here are some summary points on my life since.
1. Mother and Her Husband spilt up.i we moved out, got quite a nice house and i was a little happier. 2. I finally got a job....i mean its not the most ultimate dream job but i do enjoy it, an dit gives me money which is what i need. 3. mother and her husband made up and got back together so we had to give up the house and move back in with him. the unhappiess started to fill back. 4. its happening all over again, their arguments and fights, me having to hear it all and not being able to sleep. -sigh- i will post more later that was just a quick update. i have to get to work.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Laptop .x. News .x. Kitten
SERIOUSLY??????
After paying 90 fucking pound in January for my laptop to get fixed..new harddrive and shit..now the god damn LCD screen is broke, so i can hear the laptop load up and work but i cant see it. I HAVE NO JOB....so i cant afford to fix it yet again. So i cant do some shit because the programs i need like photoshop are on my laptop and the versions i have dont fucking work on Vista so i cant put them on my comp. I hope that someone gives me a god damn job soon, or im just gonna... Anyway a little good news i supose i have a phone interview with vodafone tomorrow morning, and a interview on thursday with New Look, so fingers crossed for those. I have heard nothing from PC World, as i had an interview with thekm last week...dfs rejected me..blah blah blah. I mean come on, i am not completely useless...so someone please employ me. Oh yeah im now back at home and mother and her husband have made up and all happy again...rar..they are really starting to bug me. And appentley he is letting her get a kitten, we all get to go and choose it at the weekend, and i hate them.. i have begged and begged them to let me get one, and i mean im gonna pay for it and look after it, they dont need to do fuck all, it may make my lonely existance..a little less lonely...and he hates animals but now to make her stay happy and not argue, she is allowed one. I will work on mother and she can work on him to try and get myself one too.
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Alone .x. Shit .x. Death
“We're born alone, we live alone, we die alone" First off it was my birthday a couple of weeks ago so i am now 22, yey the joy of growing older. Another birthday sitting alone in my room, i have no joy left in me to celebrate birthdays anymore. I put a smile on for my family, let them say their happy birthdays to me. I wish i could rewind time and return to the happier birthdays of my childhood, back in those carefree days. I feel too low and tired to even try and be around people now, i feel like ive given up. Sometimes even talking to people online, on msn, hexrpg, etc, used to make me feel less alone. But now that dosn't even help so much any more. Most days now i dont feel like going on Hex, soon it may end up one of those forgotten websites, like many others before it. “Tears are words the heart can't express” Im currently staying at my sisters, im house and cat sitting. So i get to be more alone. But yesterday my mother txt me saying she was coming to stay with me, to get away from George [her husband] and his kids. As if i havent got to deal with enough of my own problems, she wants to come and lay all of hers on me. I already have to deal with her and her husband when im at home, all the arguing and crap. I thought two weeks away, staying at my sisters i wont have to put up with it all. So i sent a huge txt back telling her, no she is not coming here, im her daughter and i shouldnt have to put up with her problems. Running away is something she seems to like to do, shes done it a few times, gone and stayed with my aunt and stuff when they have argued. Once they just went 3 months without speaking to each other. I sometimes wonder why they even got married at all. They were just as bad before they did get married. With all the crap i have to put up with from them and stuff in my own life its a wonder im not in therapy...i just feel like crying a lot of the time. I wish i could move out, but being jobless i cant afford too. My other two sisters got out as fast as they could, my youngest went to live with my dad..i wish i could do that but he has enough worries of his own without dealing we me. My oldest well she has her own flat, which im currently watching while she is away. With all the bad relationships and divorces in my family its not fucking wonder i stay in my shell and have given up on being around people. I feel like it hurts less to be alone then to try and be hurt by the possibility of being left alone. “Death is not extinguishing the light; it is only putting out the lamp because the dawn has come.” Im going to a funeral tomorrow, before i had completely given up on people i went out with my sister and some of her friends, and there was this girl Sophie, she was great, really nice..i mean i only met her a few times but she was one person i felt i wished i knew better. When we went out she always tried to get me out of my shell, dance, be happy..im afraid her efforts didnt work so much, sometimes i wish they had. But i liked her, she died last saturday, im not sure how, i just know she had some health problems. She was 24 years old, it makes yo feel like you can be taken at any time, but she enjoyed the life she lived, my heart does go to her partner Michael and her family. The light she has left in people will never go out. “The tears fall, they're so easy to wipe off onto my sleeve, but how do I erase the stain from my heart?”
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Cinderella/Stardust - The Dustland Fairytale (Music Video)
I made another music video, it uses clips from the movies Cinderella and Stardust and the music is The Dustland Fairytale by The Killers. With text from a poem called Fairytale Love by an unknown author. I made this video for Hex, for a contest. So enjoy..x
Labels: cinderella, love, music video, poem, stardust, the dustland fairytale, the killers
Wednesday, June 03, 2009
Call Centres...Yuck!!
So today i have this interview/meeting thing for a position at a call centre and i hate call centres but i really need a job so if i get offerd the job i'll take it. I can always look for other jobs while im working there, it gives me money that all i need right now. So i'll have to take off my black nai varnish and dress up smart...lol...and *fingers crossed*
I'm almost finish the first book in The Sword Of Truth series by Terry Goodkind, the first book is called Wizards First Rule and i LOVE IT...i watched the series Legend Of The Seeker which is based on this series of books, and i love the series, but the book is so much better, but then again books always are. The series has Sam Raimi and Rob Tapert involved and its great coz random actors that were in Xena just keep popping up..lol yeah anyway so i cant wait to get onto the second book. I started playing the Prince Of Persia: Sands Of Time again, i stopped before coz i got stuck and couldn't be bothered...but i seem to be flying through it this time, i so need to get a ps3 cos i really wanna play the new one, it looks amazing. anyway, not much else has been going on in my life, still borng as usual..lol..spending most of my time on Hex.....so i'll update if all goes well at this interview thing...xx |