liviaalexandra

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Alone .x. Shit .x. Death

WOW FINALLY you say SHE'S ACTUALLY DOING AN UPDATE. Yes here i am, come to share my life. my thoughts.

“We're born alone, we live alone, we die alone"

First off it was my birthday a couple of weeks ago so i am now 22, yey the joy of growing older. Another birthday sitting alone in my room, i have no joy left in me to celebrate birthdays anymore. I put a smile on for my family, let them say their happy birthdays to me. I wish i could rewind time and return to the happier birthdays of my childhood, back in those carefree days. I feel too low and tired to even try and be around people now, i feel like ive given up. Sometimes even talking to people online, on msn, hexrpg, etc, used to make me feel less alone. But now that dosn't even help so much any more. Most days now i dont feel like going on Hex, soon it may end up one of those forgotten websites, like many others before it.

“Tears are words the heart can't express”

Im currently staying at my sisters, im house and cat sitting. So i get to be more alone. But yesterday my mother txt me saying she was coming to stay with me, to get away from George [her husband] and his kids. As if i havent got to deal with enough of my own problems, she wants to come and lay all of hers on me. I already have to deal with her and her husband when im at home, all the arguing and crap. I thought two weeks away, staying at my sisters i wont have to put up with it all. So i sent a huge txt back telling her, no she is not coming here, im her daughter and i shouldnt have to put up with her problems. Running away is something she seems to like to do, shes done it a few times, gone and stayed with my aunt and stuff when they have argued. Once they just went 3 months without speaking to each other. I sometimes wonder why they even got married at all. They were just as bad before they did get married. With all the crap i have to put up with from them and stuff in my own life its a wonder im not in therapy...i just feel like crying a lot of the time.

I wish i could move out, but being jobless i cant afford too. My other two sisters got out as fast as they could, my youngest went to live with my dad..i wish i could do that but he has enough worries of his own without dealing we me. My oldest well she has her own flat, which im currently watching while she is away. With all the bad relationships and divorces in my family its not fucking wonder i stay in my shell and have given up on being around people. I feel like it hurts less to be alone then to try and be hurt by the possibility of being left alone.

“Death is not extinguishing the light; it is only putting out the lamp because the dawn has come.”

Im going to a funeral tomorrow, before i had completely given up on people i went out with my sister and some of her friends, and there was this girl Sophie, she was great, really nice..i mean i only met her a few times but she was one person i felt i wished i knew better. When we went out she always tried to get me out of my shell, dance, be happy..im afraid her efforts didnt work so much, sometimes i wish they had. But i liked her, she died last saturday, im not sure how, i just know she had some health problems. She was 24 years old, it makes yo feel like you can be taken at any time, but she enjoyed the life she lived, my heart does go to her partner Michael and her family. The light she has left in people will never go out.

“The tears fall, they're so easy to wipe off onto my sleeve, but how do I erase the stain from my heart?”